Someone speaks and nobody listens ... is that communication.

A brilliant speech - The Power of Listening, a Ted talk by William Ury coauthor of Getting to Yes my favourite book about negotiation. Notes:

Why?

• I hear a lot of talking but I don't hear a lot of real listening.
• We think of negotiation as being about talking. But in fact its really about listening.
• If you study the behaviour of successful negotiators you find that they listen far more than they talk.
• Listening helps us understand the other side. Negotiation, after all, is an exercise in influence.
• How can you possibly change someone else's mind if you don't know where there mind is.
• Listening helps us build rapport. It builds trust. It shows we care. After all everybody wants to be heard.
• Listening makes it more likely the other person will listen to us. It helps us get to yes.
• Listening may be the cheapest concession we can make in a negotiation.
• It costs us nothing and it brings us huge benefits.

How?

• In ordinary listening we're hearing the words and we're often thinking ... where do I agree ... where do I disagree ... what am I going to say in response.
• In other words in ordinary listening the focus is on us.
• In genuine listening the spotlight move to the other person.
• We put ourselves in their shoes. We tune into their wavelength. We listen from within their frame of reference, not just ours.
• That's not easy.
• In genuine listening we listen not just for what's beaming said but for what's not being said.
• We listen for the underlying emotions, feelings and needs. We listen for what that person really need and wants.

Why is it so hard to listen?

• There is so much going on in our minds.
• So much noise and distraction.
• We don't have the mental and emotional space to truly listen to the other side.

How do we learn to listen?

• Learn to listen to ourselves first.
• Take a few moments of quiet just to pay attention to what is going on for you.
• Listen to yourself to quiet your mind.
• Pay attention to emotions and sensations ... let them go ...